TW: Sexual Abuse, Child Abuse.
A visual transition from Shadow Work to Light Work.
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I finished my Hearth Throw that was originally going to be my Winter Solstice Healing Blanket...until I got sick and thought it was a good idea to crochet...
...thus royally messing it up. But its still a blanket. I'm going to redo the Winter Solstice Healing Blanket later.
Since I finished one of the three High Day throw/blankets I was working on, I started on the Midspring Bouquet Throw/Blanket. 50-70 inches is a throw. Anything bigger is a blanket, according to the interwebs. Guess we'll see when I feel done, at the same time, I don't want to have a giant bouquet, you know?
21.5 inches so far...
So far, it's very pretty. I'm finding myself drawn to pinks, purples, and whites this March. I'll end up putting yellow, blue, and lavender flowers on the edge, tying it with the Spring Equinox Healing Throw. I'm still deciding if I want to add a springy green to the edge, before the flower heads, to be the stem. The part I'm on now is the "paper" and the waves are intentional. Sometimes wrapping is bumpy, ya know? Plus it gives it a petal look, too. The wrapping is intentionally flower-like.
Every since I made significant progress on my healing, I'm more drawn to pinks, whites, grays, and light purples. I think in older posts, I've talked about how when I was little pink was my favorite color. Then in my teens, I started wearing darker colors and hated pink and I saw anything girly as weak. I hated that girly crap. Later as an adult doing shadow work and other therapies, I slowly started adding pink and lighter purples to my wardrobe again. As I started seeing me, my views on femininity changed drastically. Clearly I was hurt, scared, and projecting when I was a teen. Rejecting girly stuff, yet also wanting to be. I wanted to be one of those pretty goth girls...
In my teen and young adult years, those darker colors were about protection and not wanting to stand out...although as a 6'2 semi-goth with black lipstick and thick eyeliner, well, I stood out. Thus I began to hide my gender, although I also hated being misgendered as a male...yet I didn't want to attract male attention...despite that I was also desperate for a boyfriend, but I "wasn't easy". I had very strict rules when it came to sex--although I was freer with other teen girls, because I trusted girls more. And I couldn't get pregnant by another girl.
I was a confused hot mess in those years. SA'ed by my dad and his gross friends, a step cousin, and a boyfriend. Emotionally abused by my mom and step dad, and other forms of abuse by my dad. Bullied at school by my peers and teachers. Not wanting to attract attention, yet not conforming to how my peers dressed. Not wanting to attract male attention, but also hating being misgendered...yet doing everything to appear male for survival, including binding my breasts. Wanting to hide and appear small, I also developed a bad hunch (that I'm struggling to correct in my 40's). Yet sometimes I'd try to dress sexy cringe goth...and attempt to flirt. Ooofff. Totally cringe!
Although I do have a photo of my high school self that I love and it's not cringe.
May 2000
My mom had me believing that I was fat and disgusting--it took me YEARS to see that she was wrong. Petty, jealous, and self loathing, projecting her self hate onto me. I'm glad a couple of photos of teen me exist, they've been a big part of my Inner Children healing work.
Being a traumatized teenager was wild and confusing, on top of the hormones and normal teenage crap one deals with.
As I grew up and started getting away from my parents, I started wearing dresses all the time. I started dressing more feminine. Still didn't know a thing about hair and make-up, but didn't really care about any of that. Actually found that I'm allergic to most cosmetics...and I started shaving my head sometime in 21. I had to learn to love me without a makeup mask, and eventually without the hair, too. The hair was the hardest, because without it I look a lot like my bastard pervert dad. I wasn't worried about being pretty or ugly, I was worried about looking in the mirror and seeing him every time. But when I was ready to shave my head, it was incredibly freeing. I don't see him when I look at my reflection. I see me.
After a few years into the intense shadow work and soothing professional therapy, my wardrobe was feminine and bright. I traded those darks for brighter purples, oranges, blues, grays, whites, and pinks. I haven't owned a pair of jeans in about 15 years. I have pants, but nothing tight and restricting like jeans. Jeans were definitely protection against males, but as I healed and got stronger, I felt safe and didn't always need that armor. I will wear pants when I need to--still good to have in the arsenal!
I wear skirts and dresses all the time, and people always ask why I'm dressed up. I don't see it that way. I just love wearing skirts and dresses and nice, pretty tops. If that's dressing up, okie dokie. I love dressing up. I wasn't allowed to see me or to be pretty when I was younger. I celebrate me now by "dressing up"! I even try styles that I never would have when I was younger. I don't know what "looks good" on me, might as well experiment! Honestly...the answer to what looks good on me is does it make me feel good? I don't care about the opinions of others--do I like/love it? The only opinion that matters is mine.
Since 2023, I've been doing significant healing and I welcome the bright and soft colors. I think I'm at a period in my life where it's not all about the shadow work, although I do believe that's never-ending work. My shadow work isn't done--I still have a lot to do...but over the last year or so, with my Kindreds telling me to "stay above ground" and to "follow the sun", I'm doing another kind of healing--Light Work. I've spent decades underground, but over the last year, I've emerged from the mud like a lotus flower. "No mud, No lotus", as Thich Nhat Hahn said. I'm still closer to the ground than the sky, but I'm growing. My petals are changing colors, too.
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Thanks for all of the support!
Face to the Sun.
Trust in Joy.
Follow the Foxes and the Bees...
Trust in Joy.
Follow the Foxes and the Bees...
- Priestess Foxlyn