Sometime this morning, I woke up from an intense dream--second one this week and with the same theme! Except this time, I woke up in a panic--heart pounding, quick breathing. But the dream wasn't nightmarish--not really.
I went to one of my favorite local spiritual shops called The Magical Druid to see my local grove--Three Cranes. Then suddenly I wasn't feeling well. It was like I was being possessed without my consent and I couldn't remove the entity. I couldn't because it wasn't a stranger coming into me from the outside, but an entity within me, emerging. Maybe I've been watching too many Alien movies lately? Prometheus and Covenant are good, though!
An entity not laid inside of me by a devious synth, an airborne virus, or a face-r*ping alien. Something part of me. Something that IS me.
At one point, one of the cranes--a warm, plus sized woman with shoulder length brown hair (not Arch Druid Rev. Avende) was just holding me, and there was a lot of movement and activity and we were spinning counterclockwise and everything else was clockwise.
I asked her what was happening. I told her that there was a Trickster Spirit inside of me. I sobbed because I was so disoriented. I felt sick. She told me to breathe, and that it would be over soon.
Then I woke up and I called for Loki. I was worried that I had an invading Jester spirit inside of me, even though I felt fine. I didn't feel possessed. I called on Loki because other than Hekate He helps me with my seidr work and magik, and two because He's also a Trickster. I wanted an expert.
He told me to breathe. That it was just a dream. I wasn't possessed. Breathe.
Once I did, Loki said that I was transforming.
Part of me emerging.
Let's see what the tarot says about these dreams. I'm using The Wild Unknown Pocket Tarot by Kim Krans.
Spirit, what does last night's dream mean?
- Son of Swords - "Determined. Approval Seeking. May be difficult to work with." Representational of my memories, perhaps. My Shadow. According to Spirit, the Trickster is not my Shadow, is not the Son of Swords. Loki says, "The Trickster is your healed self. Your growth, your maturity, your clergy self. As bass ackwards as it may seem." Swords are associated with mental processes.
These other two cards are cups, which are associated with emotions. - 6 of Cups - "Joy. This is the Jester--playful, joyful, emerging from the seed planted when you made the decision to stop reliving your trauma over and over again. When you stopped feeding the troll, so to speak. When you decided to change the narrative and take control. You are a Trickster, Foxlyn. You are embracing yourself. Let the Jester come out to play. Don't fight them. Let yourself transform--it's not easy to emerge. Don't freak out. Laughter and joy are greater than the Shadows--the Son of Swords." I feel loving warmth about my head.
- 4 of Cups - "Discontent". This card asks what am I longing for? Well, that goes back to the Son of Swords. Approval from my family. After the dream, as I struggled to go back to sleep and even had a stomach ache after, I kept thinking about how many of my blood family thinks they know me: lazy, naive, dumb, weak, delusional, probably on drugs, a brat, and other negative terms.
A few weeks ago, I was at a gathering and told a couple of family about my goals for 2026--how I was working towards becoming a member of my church's clergy and how I was hunting for a good affordable program to become a certified Death Doula. I wanted to work in the death field.
One family member--an older ER RN--was excited for me. While the others drilled me with questions and judgement and said that I couldn't handle it. I lacked what it took to work with the dying and death. These people who have no clue who I am and what I've done. Most of them are atheists or MAGA Christians, so no I don't bother telling them about my spiritual path, spirit or priestess work. I don't want to deal with the drama. I'm usually quiet and observant. I'm a listener--I don't usually have anything to contribute to their conversations, and when I do speak, they talk over me, so what's the point? They all have their "facts" about me. Sometimes I don't care about it and other times I do. Congrats, I'm human, right?
When I told them that I've seen death, they didn't believe me.
When I told them that I've helped to stop people from committing suicide, they asked why I would do that. I was stunned and asked if they heard what I said. Did they mishear me? Did I mishear them? Why were they reacting so negatively about saving lives? They didn't elaborate, and I'm honestly still reeling by their reactions. There had to be a miscommunication, right? Even face-to-face? What happened there?
In one side of my family, if you weren't an athlete, in the military, or a first responder, you didn't matter. I was an artist and a photographer who wanted to be a therapist. I didn't matter. When I was younger, I tried to matter. I tried to join the Air Force and the Police Academy, but I couldn't drop the weight. I let family talk me out of being a therapist and I burned myself out at college and dropped out--furthering their disappointment in me, if that was possible.
When I cut my dad out of my life nearly 11 years ago, I lost that side of the family, which was unanticipated. I didn't want to lose the other side, too. In these years, I've distanced myself from some of them because of their bigoted beliefs and grown closer to others. I've also realized that many of them measure worth and success by awards, medals, and money.
I don't. Sure, I wish my photography business and Hearth Fox Oracle were more successful--and in terms of money and work, HFO was more successful than Fox Torch Photography. I'd love to be able to support my family on my small business alone, but I don't really have the skills right now. Nor am I very competitive--I'm too community oriented. I measure success differently--by kindness, community, and people I've helped. Some who are thriving and achieving their dreams--I'm so proud of them!
Yet it's hard to watch someone like my brother who's always been the golden star child be praised and can do no wrong in our family's eyes (whereas I see him and treat him as a person, not a infallible immortal hero). I've always lived in his shadow.
There's nothing wrong with wanting some recognition and celebration for your work. Sometimes I am jealous of him. This is something that I've been working on for the last few years, among many other things. Just once I want my accomplishments to be celebrated, too. And for my blood family to see me.
But I think I need to start accepting that maybe they never will. Going back to the 4 of Cups, I do have many chosen family and friends and people I've helped who do see me. I'm grateful to all of them.
I think I'm coming to terms that my blood family kinda suck. That maybe they don't want to know me. I need to accept that, and stop seeking their approval. Live for me, not them. Which for the most part, I do live for me. I'm an Aries, I don't like being told how to think, act, and do. I didn't like sports, I was and am conflicted about the military, I wanted to dive deeper into my faith and I wanted to be a photographer. I have. I chose my own path, no matter no lonely and how unsupported. I made new family and friends.
I gotta remind myself about who I am. I'm Torch Bearer. I make my own light and I'm not a alone, and I measure worth and success differently. I'm still so surprised when people message me to thank me for guidance and whatever help I was able to provide--even if it was just listening or helping them to find professionals or advocates for them. I was just doing what was right.
Like the trauma that I decided to stop reliving, I also need to stop feeding that Son of Swords. I have a lot of support. Sure, some beams are rotten and need to be removed and replaced for a good strong healthy foundation. For as morbid as it may seem, my blood family may never see the real me until they die. Then for whatever reason, they're usually drawn to me. Then they see.
I dunno, Loki's right. I need to let that Jester out, and not let that one spilled cup or one negative comment blind me to what I have. I am very proud of myself, and there's many chosen family and friends who are, too.
Trust in Jester.
Follow the Foxes and the Bees...