My current life's work over the last few years has been chronologically organizing all of my photos albums, as best as I can, because family and past mes did not think dates were important, so now me just wants to travel back in time and smack em all. I'll be leaving notes for my descendants to LABEL THEIR PHOTOS. Older Yous and future gens will thank you, especially if they're anal and (family) Tree Keepers like me.
Yesterday I was working from 1600s all the way up to 2002, until my cat broke my hyperfocus by laying on my photo album!
"Hello, slave. I'm here NOW."
I was looking through my old high school pictures, stopping once in a while on my teenage husband's pictures and wondering if we'd gone to high school together, would we have dated? According to him, he was an asshole and a bit of a bully, so maybe not, but I was also desperate for a boyfriend--and more than likely we would've been in the same friend group. There's a high chance! When we did meet, it felt like we'd known each other all our lives (which in past lives, we have--not always as lovers, though). I dunno, its interesting to think about sometimes. Would we have been high school sweethearts? And possibly teen parents?
Even though I was desperate for a boyfriend, I wasn't easy--after seeing the kind of life my mom had as a teen mom who had a shotgun wedding to an abusive monster, I wasn't eager to have sex. Call me crazy! One of my teen friends always said, if you can't see yourself having kids with a person, don't fuck em. That was one of my rules, as well as wait a year before vaginal sex.
I wasn't a virgin and this had nothing to do with purity culture, saving myself, or any of that nonsense. I was an incest survivor, a rape survivor, and had a boyfriend who sexually abused me. That boat had sailed! I wanted a boyfriend, but I mostly had girlfriends because I trusted girls more and they weren't as pushy. Also according to my mom--who I trusted, as many kids do--she said I wasn't bisexual, I just had bi tendencies...whatever the fuck that meant (I suspect she also had "bi tendances"). I should have boyfriends instead of girlfriends. I didn't realize that my mom was homophobic was at the time, because it wasn't violent from what I'd seen and heard about from friends and the media. I didn't recognize it.
But I was steadfast with my rules, even after being told by friends and family that no guy is going to wait that long for sex, unless he's religious--and me being a Pagan--good luck with that!
My mom was a huge supporter of "safely playing the field and have fun"--of having lots of casual sex, because she said that you didn't want to get stuck with someone who you didn't have sexual chemistry with. You want to be with someone who can satisfy you, too; and doesn't mind you satisfying yourself. Obviously she had experiences with selfish fuckers. People are always surprised when I tell them that my mom encouraged me to have lots and lots of protected sex. She educated me about women's bodies, reproduction, menstruation, tampons vs pads (my mom was very pro-tampon--she felt tampons were more empowering than "diapers"), birth control, and different kinds of sex--way more honest and thorough than any male-focus sex ed classes I'd ever had! When I was in college, she even taught me how to give good oral sex (via pictures, nothing perverted)!
For all the issues she and I had growing up, she wanted me to be smart and in control of my body and sex. She always emphasized that if my partner didn't care about me finishing, kick his ass to the curb! She said that she didn't know what orgasms were until her 30's. She didn't want me to go through that (I learned about orgasms in middle school--I had girlfriends before boyfriends). She also taught me about sex toys, masturbation, books by female sex experts, and that there's zero shame in female pleasure. She was taught to be silent and let the man in control. Fuck that. My mom told me never be afraid to speak up. If my partner ever makes me fearful to communicate or ignores me, leave. Don't waste my time and life with someone like that. I matter, too.
It was odd, not because most parents don't encourage their daughters to go have sex (my mom wasn't lying to herself, she knew many teens have sex, so she wanted me to have real education). She was a different, happier person when she taught me about healthy safe sex, about our bodies, and female sexual empowerment. It was just odd because she body shamed me a lot.
Despite our rocky relationship, I appreciated her teaching me to value my sexual pleasure, but I didn't want to fuck a lot of people--that just wasn't me. I wanted to know a person before sex--pregnancy was always a chance (as well as STDs), even with birth control. Even if I couldn't find a guy, I had other options--gender honestly didn't matter to me.
At 23, I did meet a guy willing to wait--he understood and respected my reasons. We respected each others boundaries and cared about each others pleasure. We did other things to make sure we were compatible and had chemistry. I just wanted to make sure we knew each other better, communicated, and were in love just in case I got knocked up (I've always been Prochoice, but I wasn't sure if I could go through with having abortion myself). Nearly 19 years and four kids later, and we're still going strong. Good choices were made.
It's funny, I actually came here to talk about a favorite photo of me from high school, body image, and my mom's negative projections. I dunno, maybe this is a memory I needed to have, or perhaps someone needed to read? Despite how she bullied me about my looks, she also empowered me when it came to sex and making sure that I didn't end up like her--a teen mom stuck with someone who didn't care about my pleasure.
"You don't want to get stuck with someone with pinkie dick," she always said. "Play the field, have some fun, and don't forget to take your birth control."
Thanks mom.
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Thanks for all of the support, yall!
Face to the Sun.
Trust in Joy.
Follow the Foxes and the Bees...
Trust in Joy.
Follow the Foxes and the Bees...
- Priestess Foxlyn