Today marks the 2 year anniversary of my mom's death. Weird, feels longer than that. I guess, because of our rough relationship, it has been longer.
Grief and Healing aren't linear. They are a spiral, a tangle, a mess of emotions and memories. Sometimes I'm fine, sometimes I'm not, sometimes I'm at peace. Sometimes I'm mad, sometimes I'm understanding.
Over the last few weeks I've allowed myself to be angry. I've explored that anger a little bit.
I've allowed myself to be numb, too. I've allowed that numb to make me rest. A grey bubble of protection.
Silence. I've allowed myself to be cradled by the silence.
Hagalaz.
Thurisaz.
Protective shelters from the storm.
Not a bad storm. Just a storm. Neutral energies. Increase of spirit activities. Anticipation. Fears. Expectations.
Just storms moving through.
Isaz. Stop. Take shelter. Rest. Slow thaw.
Wondering if I should light a candle on the Ancestral Altar today? For her? For them? For myself? Light a candle for obligation or want? For need? What is the purpose for the candle? For a mother banned from her savage daughter's home? An unwanted daughter at that.
A candle for tradition? It's just the thing to do for deaths and deathdays. Cultural norms.
What's the symbolism? Light for whom?
Is she deserving of a candle? Am I?
A healing candle for myself, then?
Perhaps no candles, no flames, other than the one that I light weekly for my Hearth Mothers and Spirits, and the one that I've lit as an ADF Hearth Keeper.
Perhaps I'll just pop a gummi and watch Sinners on repeat, as I've done nearly every day since July 5th. skipping it just before Smoke stabs the vampire Remmick--to watch my favorite part when Smoke kills a bunch of fragile fearful KKK losers.
Pop a gummi, watch Sinners, and maybe write my vampire fanfiction? No candles, no offerings, no divination. Just the Ice and the Shelters; allowing the numb and the dissociation.