Honestly?
People are fucking lazy and selfish. They want want want, but aren't willing to give and participate and try. They want to read one book and become a High Priest/ess/x.
They aren't willing to do the foundational work. They just want to meditate once and jump straight into the juicy stuff. And when teachers don't give, we're called frauds and gatekeepers (the bad kind, not the ADF kind).
How and why would you try to do a triathlon before you even know how to crawl? Witchcraft can be dangerous--not just the performing, but what you may also attract or who you may piss off. I had a student once who barely knew how to meditate, and they jumped right into some advanced shit without talking to me about it first, and got hurt and scared off.
Instant gratification. But that's not how everything works. Going back to the crawling thing, look at people who have to relearn how to walk as teens or adults, or something else that a lot of us also take for granted--being able to feed ourselves. It's not easy and it's not instant. It takes time, effort, and dedication.
As does this path. There is no instant gratification!
Also just because you want to teach, doesn't mean it's meant for you. Sometimes I think I misunderstood the brief--instead of being a teacher (although there are many different kinds and ways to teach), just give solicited advice.
Some things I did wrong, some things others did wrong, too. Looking back, I was dealing with a lot of crisis, abuse, undiagnosed neurodivergences, and grief (I just realized that today is the 5th death anni of my brother-from-another-mother), and I think I was just trying to find purpose. I thought that purpose was teaching. I had one student and things were going good with them. I thought I could take more people on, even though I didn't have the training or the experience. But sometimes you gotta learn by doing--whether it's to get better, to figure out things, or to learn that it's not for you.
You know, and for many people, maybe it's not laziness and selfishness--maybe it's just not understanding what a healthy community is? The teacher-student dynamic? Or what "foundational" means when it comes to learning the basics of witchcraft, paganism, psychism, and spirituality? An unlearning of instant gratification?
Let's go back a little further in time to see my journey from an eager teacher to a jaded one to someone who's realizing that traditional classroom structured teaching isn't for me.
In college (2006-2011), I joined a witchcraft study group with two others who were fairly new to witchcraft--whereas I'd been a mostly self-taught eclectic witch and pagan since I was young. We took turns researching and teaching lessons. Eventually, because I was the most experienced, I became the teacher. Definitely not my intention--I didn't like to be the center-of-attention and I didn't like public speaking (just ask my my high school and university speech teachers...don't know how I passed those classes), but the others only had a couple of books to research from, and would vote to have me do the next lesson. I realized that I knew a lot more than I thought, and thus became comfortable with teaching.
In 2017, I took a 13 Week Wicca and Paganism class--Introduction and Foundational stuff--and was one of a handful of students left at the end. I graduated with, I think, 4 others, and we joined the coven--well, Circle. Our Wiccan High Priestess didn't like the term coven. But one thing she always said, that I carried with me for my own students, was "This isn't a spectator sport. I expect participation." We all agreed. I make sure new potential students of mine do, too.
I'll definitely admit to being one of those annoying know-it-all students. I wasn't trying to be a know-it-all, I was just passionate and excited to be with others who seemed to be passionate about the occult. Other than online communities, I didn't have many inperson people to talk to about spirituality and the occult. I did a lot of info-dumping during lessons, usurping the position from the High Priestess, who was "too polite" to tell me to shut up and let her teach. I wish she had said something--because I'm not always aware that I'm doing that! She was probably worried about offending me, but I was being rude. Unintentional, but still rude!
After graduation, we continued to have more advanced classes. Like my old study group, we'd take turns teaching subjects, crafting tools together, practicing divination for each other, and writing and leading rituals. Til it got to the point where no one was volunteering...except for me.
The High Priestess was going through some personal shit and asked me, first to co-lead, and later to take over. I was glad to help! Although before the first class, the other members were already friends, and I was the new girl. So it felt like when the High Priestess stepped back, no one listened to me. One Yule, I was even stood up! Everyone knew about the ritual because we talked about it, but no one showed up. Then everyone gave BS excuses afterwards, like how they all forgot.
Okay. I let it slide, because maybe they did all forget. They all had shit going on in their lives, too. I was also being a little pushy. We used to all be so passionate and gung ho, and then when the High Priestess left, they all mentally left too. I was pushy, I still wanted our circle. They were done, but I wish they were honest and vocal about that. I gave a lot of time and energy to that circle and it wasn't reciprocated.
I kept giving and giving, and they weren't giving back. I was asking and even pleading for support and participation. I had shit going on in my life too--which no one respected, as they were too wrapped up in their own lives. I did Facebook Lives, lessons, fun exercises, and such. I ended up leaving the group in 2021, because it was draining. But this group encouraged me more to teach and try. Just because it didn't work with them, doesn't mean I couldn't help others.
The first student that I had outside of the circle is a gifted psychic who had no clue how to develop their abilities--about 2019? She was willing to do the readings and the foundational stuff, the fun exercises, and so on. Anytime she has questions, ideas, or experiences, we talk about them. Anytime I come across interesting resources, I send them to her. She is a cancer survivor who had a double mastectomy in 21 or 22. I'm very patient with her--especially her lapses in memory and such.
I was patient with the others, too (perhaps too patient), except most of their excuses were bullshit. I'm a psychic, remember? I can usually tell when people are being sincere. I was understanding with the crap going on in others lives--as long as they're also respectful of my crap, too. Which they weren't. But there's a reason why she's still my student--we respect each other, we're honest with one another. If I'm being too much, she lets me know. If I feel like she's not doing enough, we talk about it and potential solutions, even if it's just giving her a safe space to speak or us taking breaks. We work together. Remind her when she's feeling down about her progress, that this path is a lifelong journey. She has time to learn.
Healthy communities are teams.
It takes time and energy to put lessons and gatherings together. Too many people take take take, but aren't willing to be compassionate and give give give. I don't charge money for lessons--mostly because I know I need more practice as a teacher, and I don't feel comfortable taking people's money. Also as much as I'd love to get paid, not everyone can afford to pay (I prefer donations for this work). Growing up, I could never afford a teacher or classes--I can now, but I'm also in a better place financially.
Wanting to be a better, more efficient teacher and leader, I took leadership, clergy, and community building classes and workshops, too, and still do.
In 2023 I think?, I joined a local group, and the founders asked me to help them build their community, put together gatherings, and do rituals. I was happy to help. I understood that they were the founders and leaders--I was just a helper. I understood that boundary, because I had learned from past groups and how I can be too much and take charge, and be too passionate. I was aware and cautious of those "too much" genes of mine. I kept it professional.
I was asked to offer teachings. I tried. First I told them about my neurodivergencies, and I encouraged them to talk to me if they have questions, if I'm info-dumping, if I'm being too bossy, if I'm making them uncomfortable. I tried to make changes, too. I also said and even encouraged them that if I'm not the right teacher, to seek someone else. I'm not going to be offended. Even if I'm the right teacher, still get a second or third opinion. Always critically think and seek other resources.
I put together lessons, I made videos, I tried to set up zoom meets, I was available for one-on-one meets, I set up in-person meets. I made space--safe space. I did everything that people asked for...but most always "forgot", even though we talked and things were confirmed and reminded. More than once I tried to set up in-person meetings, and I only had one successful meet. Minus those with legit reasons, I was stood up a few times by those always wanting more. Other times, I'd ask what days and and times worked best for those always busy. They answered, but never made time to come to class, but they also always kept wanting in-person classes...and kept blaming me, or going to others and talking shit about me being a fraud (people talk and some things got back to me). Very few put in the effort...but I was the bad guy?
MAKE IT MAKE SENSE! Frustrating and confusing!
I wasn't being paid, and maybe that's what the problem was? People complain about prices, and yet many won't do the work unless they're paying.
???????????????????
Most of them just didn't want to do the work. They didn't want to participate. They wanted things, but weren't willing to help or do. The same issue I've seen when trying to build a community. No one wants to volunteer and help--they want others to do it for them. I always asked for help. I asked for volunteers. Sometimes I'd be more direct and ask if so-and-so wanted to help, but not to put them on the spot or pressure them. It was okay if they weren't feeling it, and I was vocal and honest about that. More work for me, but is what it is. I was direct and clear--but always understanding if people didn't want to. Despite that I love performing rituals and doing divination and omens for people, I also don't like to be the center of attention--I don't like public speaking. I get it.
However, everyone wanted community...they wanted gatherings and classes...and no one was willing to help, to participate. They just wanted to attend the party, not help to set or clean it up.
Want, want, want.
In the end, I was asked by the founders to "step back" because I was "too much", "too direct", and "too blunt". People were intimidated, supposedly. (It was also with this group that I realized that I might be autistic!) I didn't fight it. I was burned out by lack of support, honesty, and participation. I stepped back and eventually just left the group. I decided to take a break from teaching and community building.
It wasn't just them, it was also me. Clearly I had things to work on, too. Maybe being a teacher just isn't in the cards for me...or perhaps one person at a time is more of my pace? Less classroom structure, more freestyle, more at my current student's pace?
I joined ADF--a druid fellowship that's been around for 40+ years and already has a large established community with leaders, teachers, and rules in place all over the world. I decided to just be a member--sit back and learn. Aware of my "too muchness" and my bossiness. Not dim my light by any means, just work on myself and how I work with other people. Learn about autism, my other neurodivergencies, and how to adapt and work with all of that. I have that leadership drive, and I love teaching, writing and performing public rituals, and doing public omens for folks. I love being able to provide that space that so many people crave. I want to be a part of a healthy community--I want to help. I want to learn how to be a better leader and helper. I needed to take a break and just be a student, instead of everything else.
That's why I'm not offering to teach at the moment. I got burned out. I have a lot to learn and I still want to help to build communities, just as long as it's not just me doing it all. There are people who don't just want, but they're also willing to do the work. They understand what it means and what it takes to be in a community. There are many others who have that charisma and knowledge to build, too.
Figure out my place? Maybe leave the teaching to the teachers and I'll focus more on my seer work? Maybe I'm just meant to be a bridge between worlds? It's a lifelong journey, isn't it? All I know is that right now that's what my Gods want: Me to serve Them as an oracle, not a teacher. Well, not that type of teacher anyway.
A lot has happened for everyone in the last few years. Like I said, today is the 5th death anniversary of my BFF's brother, Michael Maloney. He was killed by a dangerous machine at his job on January 5th. It's only been 5 years and yet it feels so much longer. His murder is just one loss that I've experienced over the last 5 years. Just one grief out of many--personal, state, nationwide, worldwide. I'll admit, I expected too much from the others from the circle and the local group. Everyone handles grief differently. I was compassionate, but not patient. At the same time, it wasn't just me who handled things wrong. Those others made mistakes, too. I forgive them and myself.
Thanks for the support, yall.
Face to the Sun.
Trust in Joy.
Follow the Foxes and the Bees...
- Priestess Foxlyn