October 15th - Remembering Our Babies

Nathan Jacen

October 2011

Like many months, October is a month full of Awareness', such as Dyslexia and Breast Cancer. It's also Pregnancy and Child Loss Awareness Month, which I know in some places, mentioning that you've had a miscarriage can get you into serious legal trouble, which is absolute horseshit. Too many people continue to suffer in silence, afraid or perhaps not knowing that there are resources to help them grieve--yes, even non-Christian and secular resources (which were very few or non-existent in some places; in general having these resources are relatively new).

This October will mark the 12th year of the miscarriage of my son, Nathan Jacen. Since 2015, every October 15th I've been participating in the Wave of Light. I don't even know if it still happens anymore, but just in case someone out there is still lighting their candle at 7pm, so do I. I'm also not sure who started this day, as I discovered it through Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep many moons ago.

The point isn't to light the candles all together, it's to create a wave of candle light, memorial light, in each time zones' 7pm. To celebrate and honor our children, to honor the grief, to heal a little and learn to adapt to that grief.

In years past, I've participated in many things that have helped me grieve and heal, such as the CarlyMarie Project Day of Hope that used to happen on August 19th or a massive photo grief/heartworkng called Capture Your Grief.

Some other things that I've done over the years to help with the loss:

• Have a place for my son on the Ancestral Shrine, knowing that he's in the care of our ancestors.  
• Make/Buy gifts for him.
• Give offerings during October, on Midfall (November 1st), and on dark moons.
• Talk to him.  I know he's around, as he's allowed me to see him throughout the years.  A growing 12-year-old Spirit Boy.  The blue train in the first picture, he moved one day, so I felt it was his.
• Pumpkins--we always get one for him, too.
• Perform divination to talk to him.
• He has his own Yule stocking and an ornament, with feathers and wings.
  
  
  
• Tell his brothers about him.  
• I made a promise to Nathan to raise his brothers right--into kind, strong, inclusive people.

I also like to listen to this song by The Bengsons called Hymn 5: I Need a New Ritual - Abigail and Shaun's Story from their Sovereignty Hymns series.  A beautiful and powerful series of songs and stories about pregnancy and child loss and reproductive freedoms.

If you're pagan, there are some books and websites out there with rituals, prayers, and advice to help with the grief, too.  Here are a few:

1. The Amethyst Network.  Facebook page.  Hasn't been updated since October 15, 2018.  https://www.facebook.com/theamethystnetwork/
2. Mortellus.  Do I Have to Wear Black? Rituals, Customs & Funerary Etiquette for Modern Pagans.  Loss of a Child, page 237.  2021.
3. Pagan Transitions.   2023.  https://www.pagan-transitions.org.uk/
4. Remer, Priestess Molly.  Patheos Pagan: Rituals to Honor Miscarriage. 5 February 2013. https://www.patheos.com/blogs/paganfamilies/2013/02/rituals-to-honor-miscarriage/
5. Remer, Molly.  Talk Birth: Miscarriage and Birth.  7 November 2012.  https://talkbirth.me/2012/11/07/miscarriage-and-birth/
6. Remer. Molly.  Talk Birth: Birthrites: Miscariage.  9 January 2014.  https://talkbirth.me/2014/01/09/birthrites-miscarriage/
7. Starhawk.  The Pagan Book of Living and Dying: Practical Rituals, Prayers, Blessings, and Meditation on Crossing Over.  Death and Children, page 203. 1997.

If you know of other resources, please comment below or on the Facebook post.

If you or another are grieving a loss, there are things that you can do to honor that grief and pregnancy/child.  Even if you miss the 15th, you can honor the child any time of the month...and year.  Perhaps join me tomorrow, October 15th, 7pm in your time zone, and light a candle and let it burn for an hour.