TW/CW: My LGBTQ+ Pride Story
This is a Pansexual Pride Blanket that I started on July 28, 2019 and finished on March 10, 2023. It wasn't supposed to take me that long. I flew through the pink, but when I got to the yellow, I slowed down significantly, because it's just one solid block of color and it bored my ADHD. Because of that, the yellow is only 2 skeins. Overall, the blanket is made from 9-10 skeins of yarn, and is approx. 80x40 inches. It's not straight (HA!) by any means, and it tapers, but it's a favorite blanket around the house, one that I specifically pull out of storage for the month of June.
I'm not sure if it is finished. Originally I wanted to put a Bisexual Flag border around it, but I wasn't able to afford the yarns for that part at the time. I still may make a bi pride flag blanket. Then I thought that if I do that, then I join them together as one massive pride blanket!
Why bi, when I have a pan flag blanket? Well, because I used to think that I was bisexual. Different people have different understandings about what bi means. For me, bi = 2*. Even if someone speaks more than two languages, I called them multilingual, not bilingual. For a while I was bisexual, until I realized that there were more than 2 genders and that gender didn't matter to me. If I'm attracted to you, then I'm attracted to you--what's under your clothes isn't as important to me as what is in your heart and mind. Pan = Many. Pan is a better fit for me. That's why I would like "bi" blankets to honor that time. Accepting that I was bi, once upon a time, helped me realize who I am now, and it significantly improved my mental health. Well, with the current terminology, anyway.
My first consensual sexual experiences were with girl friends when I was a kid and a teenager. I wasn't just attracted to the opposite gender. When I was a teen, I tried to talk to my mom about it, but she'd say that I wasn't gay, I just had bisexual tendencies. Coming from my mom, I believed her. Didn't quite understand what she meant, but it was something that we repeatedly told myself for years.
I can't remember exactly when it was, but sometime between 2015 - 2018, terminology changed for me. I was doing healing with Dionysus--the Greek God of Moderation and Liberation, among many other things--and He helped me realize that "bisexual tendencies" was bullshit. He helped me realize and accept that I am bisexual.
And this weight that I didn't know that I'd been carrying was lifted.
My husband was the first person that I talked to about it, and all he said was that it was about time. He's always known.
Then I told my BFF and other friends, all who were happy for me, or indifferent--not in a uncaring way, it just wasn't as big of news to them. Which is fine. I wasn't offended, it just felt good to be open about it. I tried coming out to my mom again, but she refused to hear anything. She preferred to be in denial. "You're not gay--its just bisexual tendencies. Stop being an attention whore."
After my acceptance, I had dealt with my mom and her husband about a serious homophobic situation concerning my sons. They had been telling my little boys that playing with girl toys and liking the color pink and Peppa Pig would make them gay and that being gay was against the law, and they'd go to prison where adults would hurt and do sick things to them. When I confronted my mom and her husband, they said that they were just joking. I asked if they made these jokes to their granddaughters--of course not because they only had girl toys at their house! It was just a joke and I was being too sensitive!
Then they had the fucking audacity to straight-splain to me how hard of a life it was to be gay!!! Like it's a choice! I have a cousin/one of their god kids who's been openly gay his whole life--a person whom they loved to his face, but then also made horrible gay jokes when he wasn't around. I asked if I should make him aware of these jokes. They got so offended and angry and victimized themselves.
Then I asked if it's really a choice, when did they choose to be straight?
As one can imagine, it blew up even more AND on Facebook, and resulted in us taking the kids away from them for a while, with them further demonizing me to anyone who'd listen. Trying to get my husband to take their side...WTF?
I think in 2018-19, I learned about Pansexual, and after lots of research on this term and other new-to-me terms, I realized this one made more sense to me, so I started using pansexual instead.
A couple of years ago...I think in '21--when my mom and I were trying to rebuild after distancing--we were in the car this time and I told her that I was bisexual (because she was more familiar with that word...I thought), and this is what she said:
"How could you do that to your husband?! He's such a good man. And what about your kids?! I can't believe you!"
Me, puzzled as hell, had to explain to her what bisexual meant (she thought it meant lesbian), and that my husband was the first person I told and that it didn't matter to him. He already knew and still loved me. Bisexual didn't mean that I was cheating or was going to leave him, by any means.
She just refused to listen--was trying to tell me that I was wrong and what those words actually meant and that I was being really selfish. She was so pissed at me, that anytime we'd talk after that, she was just really bitchy. Disgusted. (I feel the need to say that my mom wasn't religious. It's just not religious folk who can be homophobic.)
A couple of other family members that I told had a similar reaction (only way less homophobia)--one of shock and pity, as well--for real, you'd think I told them that I had cancer--it was over dramatic. But eventually things settled. I don't think my mom ever got over it, though. My mom and I had a lot of serious issues, but since I told her about my sexuality, she was just disgusted with me. Her facial expressions, the way she spoke to me. Utter disdain--I was even more of a disappointment and embarrassment, which was funny coming from a bigot and Trump cultist.
This whole experience has just been really wild. I am grateful that it wasn't worse like many other folks. I have my own home and a strong support system. By the time I had made her listen, I was already a pro at cutting toxic people out of my life. She and I had a lot of other issues, too, due to her entitlement, addictions, bigotry, and politics. Many times she fooled me into believing that she was going to change. Eventually I learned to stop believing her words.
When she died in October, I was relieved. I'm not ashamed to admit that. It's brought me a great deal of peace. Another weight lifted. One less bigot I have to worry about affecting and hurting my kids and other people. No more drama and harassment. No more hatred from her.
According to some people my mom always spoke so highly about me (I was tempted to ask what version--what did her version of me look like?). My mom was very shallow and cared a great deal about what other people thought. She was a liar and a diagnosed narcissist.
To those people who believed her, I've told them that there's a huge difference in her words to them and her actions towards me. She showed some her venom, but I'm the one she repeatedly bit. (Sometimes I took the strikes to shield my kids.)
After I accepted my sexuality, Pride Month wasn't a big thing to me. I felt that I couldn't really relate to anyone because I was married to a cis-male and had kids--what did I know about homophobia? I battled with Imposter Syndrome until I found an inclusive supportive community that helped me see that I'm not some fraud "attention seeking whore". I'm part of the LGBTQ+ community, too. They helped to open my eyes.
After I tried telling my mom, I became more aware that since I was teen, my mom had been suppressing me. Afraid of what it might mean--no, afraid of what others might think of her if she had a gay daughter. I was already weird enough being a pagan, a witch, pro-choice, a college drop out, and being open about my childhood abuse and mental illnesses. I was already a disappointment to her. So she did her best to get me to believe that I was hetero. For a long time I believed her.
My, what would the neighbors think?
The LGBTQ+ community became more important to me. I made more friends and unlearned a lot of bigotry and self-loathing. I became more compassionate and supportive of others and helpful organizations. I'm still learning about myself--the community is helping with that healing and growth. I'm grateful for all of my LBGTQ+ friends and family--blood and chosen. I very much look forward to LGBTQ+ Pride Month now.
I give thanks and praise to my Kindreds and Spirits All for this enlightening and healing journey, too.
A couple of years ago...I think in '21--when my mom and I were trying to rebuild after distancing--we were in the car this time and I told her that I was bisexual (because she was more familiar with that word...I thought), and this is what she said:
"How could you do that to your husband?! He's such a good man. And what about your kids?! I can't believe you!"
Me, puzzled as hell, had to explain to her what bisexual meant (she thought it meant lesbian), and that my husband was the first person I told and that it didn't matter to him. He already knew and still loved me. Bisexual didn't mean that I was cheating or was going to leave him, by any means.
She just refused to listen--was trying to tell me that I was wrong and what those words actually meant and that I was being really selfish. She was so pissed at me, that anytime we'd talk after that, she was just really bitchy. Disgusted. (I feel the need to say that my mom wasn't religious. It's just not religious folk who can be homophobic.)
A couple of other family members that I told had a similar reaction (only way less homophobia)--one of shock and pity, as well--for real, you'd think I told them that I had cancer--it was over dramatic. But eventually things settled. I don't think my mom ever got over it, though. My mom and I had a lot of serious issues, but since I told her about my sexuality, she was just disgusted with me. Her facial expressions, the way she spoke to me. Utter disdain--I was even more of a disappointment and embarrassment, which was funny coming from a bigot and Trump cultist.
This whole experience has just been really wild. I am grateful that it wasn't worse like many other folks. I have my own home and a strong support system. By the time I had made her listen, I was already a pro at cutting toxic people out of my life. She and I had a lot of other issues, too, due to her entitlement, addictions, bigotry, and politics. Many times she fooled me into believing that she was going to change. Eventually I learned to stop believing her words.
When she died in October, I was relieved. I'm not ashamed to admit that. It's brought me a great deal of peace. Another weight lifted. One less bigot I have to worry about affecting and hurting my kids and other people. No more drama and harassment. No more hatred from her.
According to some people my mom always spoke so highly about me (I was tempted to ask what version--what did her version of me look like?). My mom was very shallow and cared a great deal about what other people thought. She was a liar and a diagnosed narcissist.
To those people who believed her, I've told them that there's a huge difference in her words to them and her actions towards me. She showed some her venom, but I'm the one she repeatedly bit. (Sometimes I took the strikes to shield my kids.)
After I accepted my sexuality, Pride Month wasn't a big thing to me. I felt that I couldn't really relate to anyone because I was married to a cis-male and had kids--what did I know about homophobia? I battled with Imposter Syndrome until I found an inclusive supportive community that helped me see that I'm not some fraud "attention seeking whore". I'm part of the LGBTQ+ community, too. They helped to open my eyes.
After I tried telling my mom, I became more aware that since I was teen, my mom had been suppressing me. Afraid of what it might mean--no, afraid of what others might think of her if she had a gay daughter. I was already weird enough being a pagan, a witch, pro-choice, a college drop out, and being open about my childhood abuse and mental illnesses. I was already a disappointment to her. So she did her best to get me to believe that I was hetero. For a long time I believed her.
My, what would the neighbors think?
The LGBTQ+ community became more important to me. I made more friends and unlearned a lot of bigotry and self-loathing. I became more compassionate and supportive of others and helpful organizations. I'm still learning about myself--the community is helping with that healing and growth. I'm grateful for all of my LBGTQ+ friends and family--blood and chosen. I very much look forward to LGBTQ+ Pride Month now.
I give thanks and praise to my Kindreds and Spirits All for this enlightening and healing journey, too.
Pride Bracelet from Singapore Seahorse Coin Jewelry from
my first Pride event in Yellow Springs, Ohio, on June 26, 2021
- Thank yall for all of the support,
Priestess Kristy "Foxlyn Wren" Tackett
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* If Bi = Many to others, cool. I ain't hating or judging. I'm only using terminology that makes sense to me. Ain't no reason for us to argue or fight. Our community gets enough of that, without us fighting each other. That's what homophobes want--for us to fight and implode.
---
(I experienced a lot of grief and trauma from 2014-2023, so my years will not be exact, minus the photos.)
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