I saw this meme this morning and it got me thinking...
I do this with my Shadows, too. I see them both as Wounded People and wounded parts of me that need to see that failure is okay and so is trying. I've had to work for all of my skills and knowledge--nothing came easy. If I let my Shadows bully me out of trying, I don't even know that I'd be here today. For me, it helps to see these Shadows as separate people, while knowing that they are me, too--they're not my enemy, just parts of me in need of healing and friendship.
Hm, what to name my Imposter Syndrome, other than Imposter? I usually just see all of those people--mostly family--who said that I was too stupid, weird, crazy, fat, or just couldn't do things because of my neurodivergence's or traumas. I also see the art teachers and peers at Wright State University who said that my work was mediocre and that I had no business being in the art fields. I did have a couple of great art teachers, though. One in particular (Penny) who's words stick with me still, about how I have the potential, but I'm standing in my own way.
I do this with my Shadows, too. I see them both as Wounded People and wounded parts of me that need to see that failure is okay and so is trying. I've had to work for all of my skills and knowledge--nothing came easy. If I let my Shadows bully me out of trying, I don't even know that I'd be here today. For me, it helps to see these Shadows as separate people, while knowing that they are me, too--they're not my enemy, just parts of me in need of healing and friendship.
Hm, what to name my Imposter Syndrome, other than Imposter? I usually just see all of those people--mostly family--who said that I was too stupid, weird, crazy, fat, or just couldn't do things because of my neurodivergence's or traumas. I also see the art teachers and peers at Wright State University who said that my work was mediocre and that I had no business being in the art fields. I did have a couple of great art teachers, though. One in particular (Penny) who's words stick with me still, about how I have the potential, but I'm standing in my own way.
Imposter Syndrome.
When Imposter Syndrome starts up, that's who I see. Many people who didn't have the faith in themselves or drive, so they took it out on those who did (there were a few of us oddities who were targets--our styles and goals were different, and we were often told, "That's not art" or "you're wasting our time".). For a while it did work--there was a period where I did try to stop creating, but that's one thing that I'm really glad that I failed at.
When Imposter Syndrome starts up, that's who I see. Many people who didn't have the faith in themselves or drive, so they took it out on those who did (there were a few of us oddities who were targets--our styles and goals were different, and we were often told, "That's not art" or "you're wasting our time".). For a while it did work--there was a period where I did try to stop creating, but that's one thing that I'm really glad that I failed at.
My gods are usually reminding me with examples and challenges that I'm no imposter, to the point that I can't ignore it.
Who to listen to? Those who have your back or the naysayers? Sometimes it's hard to not listen to Imposter, then you remember that's all they are. An imposter of yourself. Bullies, toxic comfort zones, trauma, and the like. Like any Shadow, gotta work with, not against, to build up trust between the two, so that part of myself can have faith in us, too.
Who to listen to? Those who have your back or the naysayers? Sometimes it's hard to not listen to Imposter, then you remember that's all they are. An imposter of yourself. Bullies, toxic comfort zones, trauma, and the like. Like any Shadow, gotta work with, not against, to build up trust between the two, so that part of myself can have faith in us, too.
The Imposter is wounded, traumatized, trying to protect in cruel ways. If she's cruel, maybe I'll buckle?
One thing that I've always been is a stubborn son of a bitch. Tell me I can't do something and my Aries Self usually rebelles and says "watch me". My Aries Self doesn't like being told what to do, especially if it's for others' comfort zones. Even if I fail, and I will over and over, I will learn, adapt, and be very resourceful (I also know that giving up ain't always bad, sometimes it's necessary). I stumble and fall; sit, rest and reflect; dust myself off, plan the next move, see the paths before me, and keep going.
When the overly critical perfectionist Imposter says, "You will fail and embarrass us. You are a fraud. Weak. You have no real talent or skill. You're pathetic. Mediocre."
I say, "Okay, but let's try this first. Won't know for certain unless we try it."
One thing that I've always been is a stubborn son of a bitch. Tell me I can't do something and my Aries Self usually rebelles and says "watch me". My Aries Self doesn't like being told what to do, especially if it's for others' comfort zones. Even if I fail, and I will over and over, I will learn, adapt, and be very resourceful (I also know that giving up ain't always bad, sometimes it's necessary). I stumble and fall; sit, rest and reflect; dust myself off, plan the next move, see the paths before me, and keep going.
When the overly critical perfectionist Imposter says, "You will fail and embarrass us. You are a fraud. Weak. You have no real talent or skill. You're pathetic. Mediocre."
I say, "Okay, but let's try this first. Won't know for certain unless we try it."
"Stop."
It's definitely not always that easy, of course, but I'm getting better at standing up to that part of myself and proving them wrong, even when I do fail and embarrass myself. It's not the end of the world. No monsters from our past are coming out of that deep dark ocean to swallow us up. There are no krakens or cthulhus. It's just us--me.
For me, it's not about crushing Imposter, but about learning to trust myself and to push through toxic comfort zones, to not be afraid of failure or embarrassment. Or rather to still be afraid or anxious, but doing it anyway.
It's definitely not always that easy, of course, but I'm getting better at standing up to that part of myself and proving them wrong, even when I do fail and embarrass myself. It's not the end of the world. No monsters from our past are coming out of that deep dark ocean to swallow us up. There are no krakens or cthulhus. It's just us--me.
For me, it's not about crushing Imposter, but about learning to trust myself and to push through toxic comfort zones, to not be afraid of failure or embarrassment. Or rather to still be afraid or anxious, but doing it anyway.
"But what if we fail?"
"Ah, but what if we succeed?"
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